A F00’s Journey (Ramblings of a drug addict who added it)(up)
Where did God go? Why was I invited to the show?
Richard Fraser. That’s me. As simple as they come. Probably simpler than most. Yet, a really complicated person to understand.
Growing up in Kamloops, BC, Canada, I was a little overweight, and was insecure, and it showed. So, the energy I put out in the Universe, attracted bullying, and people feeling superior to me. That’s ok. I would, for years sit in my basement, on the fami9ly computer on the internet, learning HTML, and playing Blizzard games. Learning to script mIRC snippets, and generally wasting my time with a computer raising me.
Don’t get me wrong. My parents were great. They spent most of their time at the pub down the street, getting so drunk they either Fought, or were to too drunk to talk, to even fight. It wasn’t the worst. But learning substance abuse is OK, even when behaviours fail to reach any satisfactory conclusions, really opened my mind to the idea of ridding myself of the stigma of being overweight, a loser, someone to pick on. I was gonna be a drug addict! I literallly, thought to myself. “I’m gonna b a drug addict when I grow up”
Sure enough, I started to hang out with older people, as they were more mature than to pick on someone who just wants to get out and lose himself for a while. So I started hitting the bars downtown with my older brothers’ friends, Back when laws were lax on well, anything. You could still smoke in bars! Damn I can’t even smoke legitimately in my own house now a days.
Besides the point. So, let me back track here. When I was roughly 12, I started smoking cigarettes with my neighbore across the street, and we also would ask strangers for weed, and wouldn’t you know it? Of coarse!!! There’s dirt bags that’ll sell 12 year olds weed. Such scum bags, some would sell us a doobie, and ask to smoke it with us. I drigress… Dru polotics… Takes one to know what I’m talking about.
I smoked weed for roughly 2 years, even got caught with a bong in my locker at school in grade 9, and had to attend a pseudo rehab for delinquent children. I got to leave school 45 minutes early, and got free pizza pops…. Fuck, who needs drugs right?
I smoked weed for roughly 2 years, being a typical stoner, until I met a group of friends that would meet and drink 151 Rum on the weekends. We’d all pitch $5, and get so drunk we were puking hot dog chnks down the bath tub, because the toilet was occupied… I found my liquid courage. A way to run away from myself. Weed made me reflect, and introverted. While, alcohol, well alcohol, made me able to talk to people, and women in general, and say stupid stuff, but schluff it off as just being a moron. But, my mind actually becomes pretty witty before I cross the line of buzzed into drunk. I could freestyle, I could come up with puns, jokes that weren’t “No…. YOURE STUPID” but rather like… well, I put myself on the spot. But I had been told I should have become a stand up comedian.
Anyways, I drank for roughly another 2 years. But then my friends started talking about having tried “Meth” So, I’m 16, drugs and alcohol are kinda my thing. But I’ve never heard of this “Meth” stuff? What is it? I HAVE TO TRY IT!
So I started smoking meth in a much older friend’s basement, and absolutely loved it. I could talk cod shit for hours, play video games successfully (I suck at vids), could draw decent looking pictures. And hell… Even started to sit down when I took a wiz. Meth messes you up, makes you paranoid and have backwards thoughts in weird ways.
So, during my meth craze, which again, lasted 2 years. From ages 16 to 18, I found a friend who was 21, who drove, and liked to smoke crystal meth aswell. Again. Stand up guy, smoking meth with a 16 year old kid who dropped out of school to smoke meth and hang out in his friend’s mother’s basement, trying not to make a sound or “SHE’LL KNOW WE’RE HIGH!”…. And that’s the Paranoia. That hits usually a couple hours if not minutes after smoking.
Anyways, after 2 years of being a hard drug addict, I started running into old school mates, the ones I got bullied by. But it was grade 12 year for them, time to grad and move on. Everyone was super friendly and not dick heads anymore at all. I took a look at where I was in life, and saw where they were.
So, I got a job at the local gas station, and smoked weed, drank, and ate mushrooms often with my old school mates. Even got to go to most of the grad parties.
People barely recognized me, I had lost weight, I had my hair cut, I was looking good. But not from good circumstances. I told everyone of my addiction, no one cared. But I was always the one getting arrested from dorm parties screaming “FUCK YOU, THATS MY NAME!” to the cops while being pinned on the hood of a patrol car. I loved it
I got to be a fool, and make people laugh, sure, at my expense. But I found, it doesn’t hurt much when it’s your own doing that people think you’re a class A idiot. The loveable dope. I think every friend I’ve ever had has looked at me with a giant smile, shaking their heads, saying “Rick, You’re an idiot”, or “Rick, you’re a tool. But you’re my favorite tool!”
Anyways. I was part of the gang. And managed to quit doing meth cold turkey. I just went back to booze and weed. Couldn’t belive I wasn’t doing it the whole time. But my alcoholism really took flight. I couldn’t drink enough to end my life. Somehow in an 11 year bender. Black out drunk, every single night of my life, no joke, every single night, for 11 years. I managed to get into relationships. Some lasted longer than others. But I managed to get a good job, a long lasting relationship of 6 years, and friends came and went. As happens.
I was missing work lots, and having trouble keeping a job. But I could land one at the snap of my fingers.
I ended up moving to Montreal with my girlfriend of 6 years, I have just mentioned. My drinking got out of control. I even had a tab at my local corner store that sold alcohol. I was drinking probably 2, 10%, 40oz’ers (1.18 Litres Fuck your american galons, you figure it out). Per night.
I was emotionally abusive to my girlfriend, I would go out and cheat on her, and come home and not know how the hell I got there. And why do I have ONE work boot on in bed? Why is the other one in the kitchen sink?
My girlfriend and I moved back to Kamloops BC, and I got so drunk one winter night, I got locked out of the house, and was knocking for, what I would assume would have been a while. When she answered, I put my hands on her and really scared her. So, She did the right thing. She could take the emotional abuse. But I put my hands on her, and she left. At this point, I couldn’t even trust myself not to spit in somones face that said the wrong thing.
My mother and father ended up splitting up, because my father got tired of living in a toxic loveless relationship. He met a friend in Australia, online, that developed into more. He stopped drinking then and there, and got on the coffee train. I’m trying to do the same. But coffee sucks. Meth’s waaaaay cooler, ladies and gentlemen. And you can brew it in the bathtub while u shower.
My mother, however continues to drink to this day. Not like she used to but, we often go for beers.
I really hit the meth hard, again, quit my job to buy and sell goods from china, and offload them at an extremely high mark up to local people through facebook, and other classified sites.
I then I got a job at the 7 11 next door. And met this girl, I remember from my teen years, I had noticed working there. Even back then I thought to myself “Man, I’d like to get with her!”
Guess what? She still worked at 7 11, and I got to work with her. We hit it off, and we started dating. She knew, everyone knew I was a meth addict. I’d tell my co workers I was going to the bathroom to blast a bowl. People would pay for slurpees with bags of meth. It was no secret. I moved in with the girl from 7 11, and once I did, I quit my job at 7 11. To start my meth selling empire. I could go through an oz ($1500) in the matter of 2 or 3 days. But that’s also because I started smoking an 8 ball to myself a day ($150)…
It got to a point where I was wearing a pink and black lady’s long jacket, with a mowhawk, walking down the street with a chainsaw… A stranger asked me “Do you know where to score any meth?” I asked him why he’d ask me of all people that, and he replied quite simply, “Dude, look at you!”. I should’ve really started taking a look at myself, where I was and where I was heading at that point. But… Nope. Getting high was all I wanted to do.
But, no everything was fine. She worked. I stayed at home all day and smoked meth, and ran my pseudo pawn shop business with the classified ads.
But then. Then shit got weird. I couldn’t tell you the sequence of events. What came first, or when any of this happened. But, I would often peer into the back yard, as I was high on meth and paranoid people from 7 11 next door were going to steal my shit.
I had a woodworking bench set up in the back yard, and I could swear I could see the chop saw moving up and down, and people hiding under benches, and the like.
I did, however, actually catch someone red handed stealing my bike…. SO FUCK YOU SKEPTICS. Just kuz you’re paranoid, doesn’t meen theyre not out to get ya.
But, I’d also hear people in the walls, it would seem. Or people I knew in the attic. So, I would destroy my house putting holes in the walls, and trying to find the source of these conversations.
I could hear a girl crying downstairs, and I once thought the police came to the door so I hid in the bathroom. Thought I could hear one approaching the bathroom, and flushed 800$ worth of meth in the toilet.
Only to repeat the same incident 3 weeks later.
I would think people were leering in my front door window, while I was trying to masturbate while just tweaked. Meth, also makes you very horny, and lose yourself in mindless self indulgence to the point of exhaustion.
Fucker’s were watching me crank one out. So, I’d chase invisible people, whom I thought were just faster than me. I’d end up in stranger’s yards on their fences for hours, yelling at these kids watching me jerk off.
I even tore the attic apart looking for any signs of anyone living up there.
My girl from 711 stayed by my side. She stuck with me for 6 years, in fact.
Anyways, I was diagnosed, after going to treatment for meth and alcohol abuse, with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Surprised? I’m not. Did either of those things stop me from doing them? Think again.
The voices in my head convinced me that it wasn’t the crystal meth damaging my brain, being the purpose for them being there, but that it was, any number of reasons. (They eat shit, and regurgitate it ALL the time) One day, I’m Jesus Christ, the next day, I’m Satan, The next minute, I’m in a virtual reality simulation, the next day, I’m an alien, the next day, aliens are watching me, the day after that I am an entire new dimension of its own. The 5th dimension.
I don’t know what to believe. All I know is, the voices in my head are a supernatural spiritual awakening, which isn’t good for me, because, all these spirits do is follow me, specifically around, and bitch at how much I watch “Child porn” because, , after all, I AM Jesus Christ, and everyone’s my child, right? Pffffttttttbbbb. Not once have they said I’ve had sex with my own kid after having watched me have sex with several girls. Why is it that if theyre on the screen, they’re my children, but if they’re physical beings, they’re my peers? I dunno. Let’s live another reality today to explain it.
All I can say, and as you can see, I am all turned upside down, and am confused to the 9’s
I CAN, however, decode the Universe at Large, by simply… How can I put this. I can figure out the secrets of the universe reading the back of a shampoo bottle. I can see the spirits. Who are people who are still actually supposed to be alive in my reality, such as my mother and father. I can change textures and patterns on any surface. I can also make clouds change direction in the sky. But not if someone is physically present to observe, as their beliefs trump my power to switch the direction of the movement.
I know that everyone I have ever come in contact with, lives in the 5th Dimension. Which is apparently me. Because I am Jesus Christ, and it’s the “Rapture”, and everyone is returning to the divine creator of the heavens and the earth. Turns out that son of a bitch, was me! But I am far from any divine creature. I am nothing but a drug addled alcoholic who can’t stop watching porno to save his life.
Always thinking of himself. But. In my defense. The first time Jesus was here, 0, 0, 01 12:00pm he was bestowed with the love, grace and knowledge that he was a magical child. Born of God himself. (Or was god coming down for a mortal experience). I, was not told these things. So, here we have someone brought up with the direction, that substance abuse is tolerated, and OK, Parents that get drunk and fight, never showing each other love or compassion, so as to hinder me from learning how to love someone unconditionally. Ultimately keeping me from loving myself, as, through the substance abuse, I was really running from myself, for reasons unkown to me, still to this day.
Anyways. I personally believe, that I have somehow transcended space / time. Come back to space / time, and tought everyone else how to transcend space and time, but not how to get back to their physical bodies, except through my presence in their “5th dimensional spirit realm”
Now, how to transcend space and time, I, through many years, have just realized, it was through Crystal meth. Another term for meth is “speed” because it makes your neurons fire at lightning speed, and the synapses occur rapidly. So, with that logic. If your mind is sped up, would your environment, not appear to slow down, if we use Einstein’s theory of relativity? It is said that, looking at a pretty girl for 5 seconds could feel like 2 seconds, while putting your hand on the stove for 5 seconds could feel like 5 minutes.
That being said. When I am high on crystal meth, my mind is sped up to beyond light speed capabilities, yet my environment, is actually sped up. I can lose myself in creating art, or jerking off, for literally up to 18 hours, and feel as though it has been 2 hours, tops.
We live in a world of opposites, ups and downs, left and right, black and white, silence and noise… etc…
So, with that in place. If your internal clock speeds up, would your outside world not slow down? It would have to. But not with these magic, chemical crystals, called Crystal Meth Amphetamine.
Now, it is also said, that everyone lives outside of space and time, in this “5th dimension” which is my mind. So they experience every moment in an instant. Over and over again. Everything exists at once for them. But for me, It’s Wednesday, and I have to wait another 9.5 hours until it’s tomorrow. I figured out, through being “God” living in the 5th dimension, which was, EVERYONE’s mind, for 2000+ years, that it really fucking sucks experiencing eternity over and over and over again. And You fuckers weren’t doing very well, what with your racism, wars, rape, murder, and “The Larry Sander’s Show”. So, I chose another point in time to come back to earth, Which was In Richard Thomas the 3rd, August 31, 1985, and for a while there, we were all on our own. A God that’s unaware of himself, as who he truly is, unaware of his true powers. So Law was lawless, and then it happened. I smoked crystal meth, and time collapsed on itself for everyone, but the man himself, the guy who wanted to teach you a lesson you’d never forget. By trapping you in his own mind, as he is now the only true permanent resident of planet earth. You think its ok to fuck up evwerything your parents make for you, through hate and crime and war, and so on?
Well, try knowing your creator, and potential savior of your entire kind, is letting you see what it’s like to watch from behind the scenes doing drugs, stealing from people, watching copious amounts of porno, and….. the kicker….. spreading dismay, and deceit.
You all get to buy your way back to earth. And when you finally make it here. I’ll allow you to be here eternally. But the price is your unconditional love. Because, Even god, without the right tools, can fuck up too. And until you accept me for who I am. Whether I stop using or not, whther is keep hurting peope or not. Until you can become a compassionate positive influence instead of an angry voice screaming at me in my head, will I truly bring you back to live with me.
I’m not making it easy for anyone to love me. But did many of you even say grace at the dinner table? Or pray a “thank you for my life, and loved ones” before bed at night? Nah, my parents would fall asleep too drunk to care. No one believed in god anymore.
God may have created the heavens and the earth. But stan created the underworld. You all had choices to make, you chose to side with the devil, not with your loving creator. So, I am no better than you, when unconditional love, became conditional, I realized satan had become more powerful than I. So, I didn’t have it in me, to be your true divine creator and protector. Satan won. And the funny thing is.
Satan is just the other side of my coin. I am also the devil. I wanted to test you, to see if you would like to rise to my kingdom. And you did. But no one truly deserved it. Heaven’s gates are closed. Like Michael Jackson’s “Neverland ranch” Closed to all. I even made sure I hit my head on the way down so as to forget where I put the key.
So, earth is the new heaven. Don’t do as I do, as my demons have taken over. Be the gods I have created you to be. And work your magic on earth. Maybe that’s the key?
Mom. Instead of screaming at me to stop watching porn. Maybe before I pick up the drugs say “boy I’d sure like to see so and so, or watch you play frisbee golf.” Through breaking my own divinity, will you truly become divine creators yourselved. Unlock the gate to heaven. Visit hell when you need a quick get away, and have it both ways on earth. Go ahead. Piss on the blarney stone and tell tourists its good luck to kiss it….. that’s good whole hearted fun…. Shit move, but that’s because, you took, will never expell all of your demons. But don’t be a cunt on earth, and don’t be a preachy bitch either. Be a dick, but make people smile because of it.
Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, You’re cool, and fuck you too(myself) We all need a good head fuck in the other direction.
Don’t love me because I’m a god. Don’t hate me because I make poor choices. Accept who I am, and try to sway back to the middle of the road.
So stop your hate, mate, ill stop the bate, in that state. So lets co create!
Your humble Middle Man.
Richard Thomas III
universalmind.travel.blog 